The Hope We Need: Living as His Beloved

“You take all that the enemy meant to destroy me–and turn it to glory. I’ll turn it to praise.”

-Seph Schlueter

A New Year that seems all wrong

I hope you all had a wonderful few weeks to enjoy the holidays and your families!  I’m picking up again with weekly Wednesday posts after a bit of Christmas break!  Honestly though, the reason for my absence wasn’t completely due to holiday business.  It was more that I’ve been avoiding this.  It’s been hard. 

A few of you have asked where we are at in our own embryo adoption story. We’re right in the middle! We still have more adopted embryos on ice than in heaven and in our arms combined.  It’s wild to have so many little someones who mean so much to you.  Essentially, the tiniest giant question marks in the story of our lives.  Very wanted and loved punctuation marks, I must say. 

In November, just before Thanksgiving, we found out that the most recent embryo transfer failed.  It’s a hard loss to swallow, even with the guarded hope we’ve learned to have. 

Finding the hope we need

I’m not sure if it’s my personality or what it is, but so often I find myself reading scripture and applying it as if it is a recipe.  Add all the correct ingredients in the correct order and expect Pinterest-perfect results.  And yet, so often, what I am pulling out of my metaphorical oven is nothing short of a freak catastrophe.  I did all the things.  Followed the pattern, worked the hardest, ate or didn’t eat the things, prayed the most, ect, ect.  And all for what?  A disaster of epic proportions?  What happened?

At times like these I can understand why some people find life frustratingly futile.  How can someone do everything wrong ON PURPOSE and still succeed?   Like, why do people who absolutely destroy their bodies with every possible abuse known to man conceive one healthy baby after another only to abandon or abort them?  For real.  And people like you and I look on with empty wombs and broken hearts. Like a noxious weed, these and other bitter thoughts so easily creep in to choke out my peace . This isn’t the person I want to be, or the thoughts I want to have. I needed to do some housekeeping and ground myself back in the truth.

Sometimes I wish I was on the other side of our embryo adoption journey before I started writing.  I’d have more wisdom, less volatile emotions, less doubt, probably more clarity. 

But I know I’m supposed to be here. If nothing else, to encourage you that you’re not alone.

Living as His Beloved

Back to the problem of my application of scripture, though.  I have this proclivity to twist even a definitively declarative into an imperative.  I think I just want it to tell me exactly what to do or not do.  And I did it with this verse, too:

“Unless the Lord builds the house,
They labor in vain who build it;
Unless the Lord guards the city,
The watchman keeps awake in vain.
 It is vain for you to rise up early,
To retire late,
To eat the bread of painful labors;
For He gives to His beloved even in his sleep.”

Psalm 127:1-2

I can’t stop thinking about how different this hits when the prosperity gospel glasses go in the garbage. I am his beloved. He gives to me even in my sleep!

The old me would have read:

Step 1. Read Bible more.  Step 2. Pray more.  Step 3. Be more obedient.  Step 4. Everything goes according to plan.

But what if God isn’t saying: The way to success is trying harder to do A, B, C and D. And if you don’t? Disaster! If you take the first two lines without the rest of the passage, it’s  easy to think that way.   The context reveals a much different point though. When things don’t go my way, it’s because my loving Father is building the house in His timing and way. It’s describing the benefit of living in surrender, as beloved children of God. My building will not prosper.  Only His. Thank goodness.  It doesn’t make the blow of loss softer. But there is so much comfort in knowing I don’t have to live in a constant state of panic. The anxiety of wondering if I somehow made a huge mistake and missed His perfect will. Like He is standing over me, expecting better decision-making and cleaner construction. No, He’s the builder. And it says He gives to his beloved, even in rest. He is providing as a good Father would for his child. I bet there’s a bunch of you who needed to hear that. I sure did.

Trusting the builder

I’m sure it’s no mistake that this passage has been in my heart and mediation as we head into this new year.  It reminds me to trust what He is building, even if I don’t understand it.  Surely, He knows best. 

This year may not have started off the way you’d hoped or dreamed. I’m so sorry. But you can take comfort in knowing His sovereign good plan for you is going off without a hitch.  Especially in seasons of labor that might have felt quite in vain. All of the pain has a purpose.  But not only that, you can look ahead with eager anticipation for the beauty unfolding as he lays a foundation with intentionality  and love.  A house so perfectly curtailed to your need, you couldn’t  possibly have dreamt it.  What an exciting thought.  You and I are invited to lay our plans on the alter.  Our house is being built by the wisest and most qualified contractor ever.  How blessed are we!

 Burn my dinky blueprint and do Your thing.  I trust You!