Girls, girls, you’re both pretty!
-Megamind
Taking heat for being a beautiful human
I rolled my eyes and sighed. It was happening again. Another woman had posted her beautiful family photo with their embryo adoption story and asked for prayers as they prepared for transfer. If it had happened in person, everyone would have shared their congratulations and promised thoughts and prayers for her. But this is the internet, where the wild things are.
You’d think friends from a similar walk of life would have nothing but positive vibes and encouragement as she embarked on this heart-wrecking journey: adding a family member who statistically has only a 60% chance of making it to implantation. But no. The comments were laced with complaints and criticism. Why? She had used the word “rescue” for the abandoned embryo she had just adopted.
A common adoption complaint: You’re taking all the credit!
Many donating families take great offense to the idea that any of us are out to “save” or “rescue” their embryo babies. They would argue that very few embryos are in any kind of predicament that requires it. Their embryos were often donated after an IVF cycle with explicit directives to give them a chance at life and not to allow disposal. Donors consider themselves the heroes of the day for choosing this option. Not only that, but many who donate do it knowing they are giving a hopeless couple a chance to have a child. The greatest gift on earth. Remarkably brave. Remarkably beautiful. Hardly a rescue situation, they would advise.
Some embryo adoption programs require a lot of the donating family, as was the case in our second adoption. We don’t know any specifics as to why this dear family was unable to gestate their babies. But we DO know that they had to undergo numerous procedures to donate. These included required blood tests, psychological consults, consents, and a legal process. This happened many years after they had created these embryos and took nearly two years to complete. This was not a simple thing. These babies were never abandoned, they were always wanted and loved by all parties.
Most truly abandoned embryos are inaccessible
Embryos who are truly abandoned (orphaned) become this way when biological parents stop paying storage fees or cannot be reached after a certain length of time. This often happens because of death, separation, or lack of communication. Currently, the fate of these frozen babies is bleak, because the fertility industry is largely unregulated. Most refer to the ASRM’s guidelines on embryo disposition, which clearly states: Unclaimed embryos may not be donated to another couple but should be destroyed or stored indefinitely.
Clinics are not required to report disposal or abandonment, but the number of unclaimed embryos in the US alone are estimated between one million and ten million. Ethical guidelines for handling abandoned embryos are unclear and vary widely from clinic to clinic. Clinics most often thaw and expose embryos to air to die after a “reasonable length of time” with no communication from the creators.
This is one of the reasons I want EVERYONE to know about embryo adoption.
Is embryo adoption a rescue? The donor’s POV
As you can see, the status of an embryo in storage varies widely. And donors are not wrong when they say embryos that are available for adoption were never necessarily in a life-threatening position. The bio parents specifically chose life by signing it into a consent form prior to IVF.
But there is the question……what would an embryo’s fate be, if no willing adoptive parents were to be found? Parents with embryos they are not able to gestate do need someone to come alongside to ensure these babies have a chance. Are adoptive parents an embryo’s personal Savior Jesus Christ? Hardly. Hopefully, nobody actually thinks like that. But there is an element of rescue to this story, whether we like to admit it or not. Since the only alternative for the embryo would be indefinite storage or death, I don’t see why “rescue” is not appropriate.
Giving life a chance: A recipient’s POV
Embryo adoption is not always an easy thing for us as recipients, either. We take flack and criticism from all sides, too. Check out this week‘s post to see what some Christians are still saying about this form of adoption.
Perhaps some people feel they need to highlight the fact that they are “rescuing” these babies to send a strong virtue signal for acceptance in their own Christian circles. I’ve seen it before, unfortunately. Women accusing other women of seeking embryo adoption out of a “selfish desire” for children. Maybe some feel they have to spiritualize it to justify it. So sad, but a possible scenario.
Don’t call them a donation: Commodifying life
Families who are adopting embryos aren’t always infertile or desperate for a child, either. They are motivated by deep love for these little ones and believe it is morally wrong to destroy them. It’s a brave and faith-filled way to seek a child, knowing you may never get to hold them.
Most of us are not okay with the way embryos are handed over as property (as described in this previous post.) It’s uncomfortable to think about someone “giving” us their child to build our family. It’s distressing to see a tiny child referred to as a “donation.” But we adopt them anyway, knowing there are no more dignifying options for the embryo. No wonder we want to call it a rescue. Because……..the alternative sounds commodifying.
Competing for Heaven’s MVP, and we’re all losing.
I see this squabbling over the terms we use and who-rescued-who over and over again. I want to get to the heart of what is causing people to care so darn much. Why do we exhaust ourselves trying to build a moral grandstand before each other?
Now where have we seen this before…..
It made me laugh out loud, when I realized how familiar this story is. Humans, throwing out a shoulder to pat themselves on the back is not a new thing.
Remember the time Jesus had just finished telling his disciples that His plan was to die for our sins? And in response, they immediately began squabbling over which one of them was to be the greatest in the Kingdom.
24 Now there was also a dispute among them, as to which of them should be considered the greatest. 25 And He said to them, “The kings of the Gentiles exercise lordship over them, and those who exercise authority over them are called ‘benefactors.’ 26 But not so among you; on the contrary, he who is greatest among you, let him be as the younger, and he who governs as he who serves. 27 For who is greater, he who sits at the table, or he who serves? Is it not he who sits at the table? Yet I am among you as the One who serves. -Luke 22:24-27
Jesus introduced his backwards Kingdom to this goofy lot of proud humans. (Yeah, us.) Even 2000 years can’t change human nature. In His Kingdom, the last would be first and the first would be last. In His Kingdom, humility and servanthood is where it’s at.
What no one talks about: The Child’s POV
Both sides have valid points. But the one thing both arguments often fail to acknowledge is the child’s perspective. Adults are out here arguing over who is the fairest of them all while the kids look on in bewilderment.
The hard truth is, the child didn’t ask to be “donated” and separated from his or her biological family. Some kids may struggle with this, others may not. I will be the first to proclaim that embryo adoption is beautiful, redemptive, and wonderful. But it also comes with an element of grief for the child that we all need to be aware of and sensitive to. This world isn’t perfect, and they will be aware of this at an early age.
The child didn’t ask to be “saved.” A well-known fast track to resentment is to insinuate to our kids that they owe us for their existence. Humble gratitude that we are blessed to call these little people “ours” is a foundational building block of secure bonding and attachment.
We have such a unique opportunity to highlight the Providence of God in placing us together as a family. If we work to highlight this, it provides a sense of security and Divine protection for our kids.
I think it would also speak volumes to our respect for bio family as well to avoid rescue terms. This is another element of high importance in forming a healthy relationship with adopted kids. They need to hear us say positive and beautiful things about their conception and biological family.
What is the solution? God’s POV
The answer is really quite simple in my mind. I think we could all do with an extra pinch of humility to recognize that God is the only Hero of this story.
He sustains all life. None of us can take the glory for creating it, rescuing it, or preserving it. He has appointed time for all of us, and only by His grace do we even take a breath.
What if instead of arguing over who is heaven’s MVP, we embodied Christ as a servant?
I think we can easily transform our language to give Him the glory for this. He’s pretty good at rescues. He’s done it before. If we believe that He’s sovereign in facilitating adoption, it changes us. We are just blessed to be part of it and can only stand in awe of His grace to us. He doesn’t need us. Mercifully, He chose a broken, crooked stick like me to draw a straight line.
I propose that embryo adoption should be viewed as a sacred partnership, not a rescue or a transaction for the benefit of adults.
The hand of the Lord has done this
“That they may see and know,
Isaiah 41:20
may consider and understand together,
that the hand of the Lord has done this,
the Holy One of Israel has created it.”
This scripture spoke strongly to me as we were going through our second adoption. It was a reminder that adoption isn’t about us. Rather than focusing on what we are doing in adoption, we can zero in on what He is doing…… He alone deserves the credit for His work! 🤍
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