Expectations:What is love?
“This is true love, do you think this happens every day?”
-Westley, The Princess Bride
Some wonder: Is it possible to love an adopted embryo child as much as I would love a biological child?
Today, I hope to dispel any fear that you have for bonding and attachment with these babies. But first, we need to ask and answer for ourselves…..what is love? It would be hard to attain this elusive ideal without knowing what we are after. And you know, there isn’t enough data in this platform to hash out what true love is!
So, in the words of Innego Montoya –”Let me explain. No, that would take too much time. Let me sum up.” Before I go down the Princess Bride rabbit hole on love, here are a few references we can look to in scripture:
1 John 3:16 says that this is how we know what love is, that Jesus laid down his life for us.
In John 15:13, Jesus says that there is no greater love than to lay down your life for someone else.
Romans 5:8 says that while we were unlovable, Jesus showed us how to love by dying for us.
“So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the law and the Prophets.” Matthew 7:12
That’s it, that’s all for today, folks! Jesus basically just summed up the entirety of scripture on how we should love. Guess we’re done here!
Just kidding. But seriously! What more proof do we need that our highest and best experience of love is rooted in sacrificial action toward another?
Agape, the most satisfying love
We can be assured that this love, the Greek word agape, is easily experienced in embryo adoption. This love –so often used to describe our Father’s love toward us– is unconditional and altruistic. It requires sacrificial action on another’s behalf.
In embryo adoption, sacrifice is a prerequisite. There are a few hoops to jump through! First, adoptive parents have the bittersweet honor of adoring these tiny image bearers before we know they will survive. Second, having a baby in this way requires some level of prodding, poking, and preparation that I’m sure we’d all love to skip if it were possible. This isn’t what making a baby is supposed to be like! But we recognize that they are already made, and they need us. Third, there are usually safeguards and vetting requirements that span from psychological consults and background checks to full-blown home studies and creation of adoption profiles. These take time and patience.
If you feel you are ready to move heaven and earth to be an adoptive parent, that is agape. Or perhaps you are faced with a difficult choice, and decided to give up your embryos for adoption. This is extraordinary, unconditional, agape.
Storge, affectionate familial love
Clearly, we don’t have to worry about missing out on agape love through adoption. But what other kinds of love might we hope to experience? Maybe what we are looking for is the Greek storge love. In his book The Four Loves, C.S. Lewis describes this love as familial and affectionate.
The awesome thing about embryo adoption is that the powerful bonding experiences of pregnancy and birth make it natural for us to feel familial love storge. It requires less action than agape and evolves and deepens through shared experiences. Your baby gets to know this before and soon after birth in the warmth and familiarity of mom’s smell, heartbeat, and dad’s voice.
For me, this love activated the moment we saw the profiles and signed papers. When those adopted embryos became ours, it came with an overwhelming sense of responsibility and attachment. I wondered: how is it possible to love someone so much whom I’ve never met? That’s storge.
I felt it at the first glimpse of little Mr. Brown’s blobby shape on an ultrasound at week 5, and his first recorded heartbeat. His fluttery kicks and the pounding jabs to my every internal organ. Storge grew. Now, I recognize it in the twinge of pride as I hand him to an adoring fan at church. He looks back at me with those longing eyes and out comes a tiny pouty lip. And I think: “You’re my little stinkpot.”
Rare and radical love
So, we’ve discovered two most deeply fulfilling types of love in agape and storge. And the great news? Neither are experienced only through having biological children or embryo adopted babies! I’ve never had a biological child. But the powerful feelings I have for these kids would lead me to suspect that this is a rare and radical love.
The shocking truth: Kids can’t save us
If you are still questioning whether embryo adoption is amazing, perhaps what you are hoping for is love that fulfills desires. Could it be that you seek satisfaction or fulfillment from a baby? If such is the case, I have a bomb to drop! Your fear surrounding adoption is rooted in the expectation of what you hope to gain from tiny foolish (Prov:22:15) sinners. (Romans 3:23) I’m not trying to pick on the kids, that’s just the truth about all of us. It goes without saying, finding our hope and worth in adorable but immature young stinkers would be exhausting and futile.
I know how much infertility hurts. Especially the agony of childlessness. But no child will ever have the power to give us the life we long for. Only Jesus satisfies. John 4:10
“Parents, your children can not give you life. They can’t give you sturdy hope. They can’t give you worth. They can’t give you peace of heart.”…..“they can’t give you that ultimate, heart-satisfying love that you long for. It never works to ask your children to be your own personal savior.”
Paul David Tripp -14 Gospel Principles that can radically change your family.
The transforming power of God’s love
What, then, do we have left to be afraid of? Will we love them based on their genetic features, actions, behaviors, tastes, or pursuits? If so, I’d go out on a limb to say that’s a little silly. I’m grateful God’s love toward me is not conditional like this, cuz I haven’t much to offer in all of the above departments!
As Katy Faust suggests in Them Before Us— Biology matters in reproduction and family bonds. God created it. But biology is not the end-all in experiencing the deeply satisfying love He created us for. And it’s all because of Jesus.
His compassion never fails
I’ll just be honest. I used to struggle with the idea that I can’t look at my children and see a glimpse of Richie. As people made in God’s image, we are creators, like Him. Our innate nature is creativity. (Well, perhaps some of us more than others!) The privilege of producing a little one with a spouse you deeply love is a gift that was stolen from you. My dear, it is so normal and okay to grieve that.
“So if you are suffering in a manner that pleases God, keep on doing what is right, and trust your lives to the God who created you, for He will never fail you.”
1 Peter 4:19 NLT
What’s amazing, though, is how much these embryo babies DO look a lot like us. And there is actual science that gives us insight into why this is!
A special gift: facial mirroring
Did you know that our facial muscles develop based on how our parents smiled at us?
It’s true, the precious little faces of our children are literally being shaped by us. They naturally mimic back what they see when we look at them! It’s science, so it’s true, obviously.
Secondly, hanging with someone 24/7 in the same environment plays a major part in shaping us. Bodily features, mannerisms, posture, and speech are all influenced by shared environments.
I can’t tell you how often people say “they look just like you!” I find this terrifying and sweet. We are shaping these small humans without even knowing it. It drives me to do better, knowing the chip is coming off the ol’ block even with 0 genetics involved.
Wild, how science points to the truth of scripture. Crazy, how God was right! Who knew biology would prove something God repeatedly warns us: Spend your time wisely with the wise if you want to look like them! (Prov 13:20)
I know, I know. Solomon was talking about the inner man here. But one could also argue from Luke 6:45 that how we express ourselves on the outside often reflects what’s happening on our insides, too. (I’m surprised I don’t look more like a sheep, with as much time as I spend around them…)
But back to the point. I know my God to be so full of understanding and loving kindness. He knew exactly what was in my heart when I wanted to look at my babies and see my spouse. I feel silly even to say it. And yet, He met me there. I hold in my arms a little guy who looks “more like a Tevis than I do” in Richie’s own words. Crazy. (Lamentations 3:22)
The radical love of adoption: God’s idea.
Although nothing worthwhile is ever easy, the rich and penetrating truth of Romans 8:15 is a reminder that God designed adoption. Not only was it His idea, He uses it as a beautiful allegory for His relationship with us as adopted sons and daughters. We can be sure that when God calls something good, it’s gonna be good.
Here’s a study on embryo adoption participants
I hope that by now you’re convinced that embryo adoption is an amazing gift! But if you’re still skeptical, here’s some more proof that it is wildly lovely. In January of this year (2025) there was a qualitative study done by GOCM featuring adopted embryo recipients. The results were extremely positive.
“Children are psychosocially well-adjusted and have healthy relationships with their adopted parents and bio families. It was found that 85% of adoptive families were open with their children about their conception and that this process of open disclosure often began at a very young age. Parents cited no concern regarding their kids’ adjustment and security after learning of their unique story. Furthermore, they reported overwhelmingly positive responses from family and friends in openly disclosing their adoption story.
EVERY participant in this study (with children age newborn to 14) said this method of building a family was highly satisfying and rewarding and would enthusiastically recommend embryo donation and adoption to others.
Participants in the study recognized the importance of the relational ties their biological family, and wished to honor it. All children conceived through embryo adoption were fully aware that they are wanted and loved by both the donating family and recipient family.”
Is embryo adoption worth the risk? YES.
EVEN IF a radically beautiful and redemptive relationship was not what the studies showed, would our faith be strong enough to unconditionally invest our love in the lives of these little ones? Parenting well is never going to be easy, but we can trust God’s power in our weakness. He said it’s good.
No further witnesses, your honor.
I could spit out all the positive facts and stats about embryo adoption until I’m blue in the face. They are great! But more than that, what I hope I can do for you with this blog is give an honest glimpse into what it’s like, for real. If you’re anything like me, words on a page are just words on a page. Show me in real life!
Are we capable? No. But God is, fortunately.
We are imperfect people, experiencing an imperfect relationship with our adopted kids. But I can tell you, there is scarcely a day that I don’t gaze with total rapture into the perfect sparkling eyes of our little boy and wonder at the magnificence of God’s providence. His small squishy presence in our family shattered our hearts (in a good way!) When he’s awake I look forward to his naps. When the blessed nap time comes, I watch video clips of him when he was awake because I miss him so bad.
The truth is, I am just like you. I burn one side of the grilled cheese, snap like a twig when I’m stressed, and fall into bed exhausted while my 8 year old finishes How to Train Your Dragon instead of tucking her in with encouraging liturgy.
Sometimes we rush out the door before spending any time with Jesus. We make every effort to live God’s way and we trust that in the end, it will be enough because HE is enough.
Because of His strength, we can do all things.
For starters, I will never be able to describe the thrilling, breaking, healing, wreaking power of love that these embryo babies have had on us from day one. Who cares who they look like. They are masterpieces. I think we love them more because we feel so wholly undeserving of a gift of this magnitude.
Secondly, adopting these little ones has shown me that God cares. No need of ours is too small to escape His notice. His compassion never fails. He is Jehovah Jireh– Provider God. He longs to take our tiny, minuscule expectations of love and replace them with things far above and beyond our imagination. (Ephesians 3:20-22) Surrender it all to Him. And get ready to have His radical love knock your woolly socks off!
Third, there is no fear in love. He is with us, empowering us to do every hard thing we once thought we couldn’t do. (1 John 4:18)
So then, what are we waiting for?!
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