Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Helen H Lemmel
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace.
The experts say that as many as 25% of naturally conceived embryos pass away. In other words, for every 3 that make it to implantation, one embryo is lost. Of course, this is a challenging number to nail down. Often embryo loss happens before a woman would even know she has conceived. If you’ve seen an African plains documentary on Discovery Channel you know nature is brutal for the weakest ones.
In a typical IVF cycle, as many as 66% of embryos made in the lab never make it to the blastocyst stage (before freezing.) Nutrition, age, and genetic conditions all come into play here. It’s hard to imagine anyone mourning over the loss of an embryo, with these kinds of statistics. A devastating loss doesn’t resonate. It would seem a natural part of life, albeit a sad one for those of us desperately hoping to conceive. And it especially wouldn’t strike a chord if we are unsure of what an embryo is.
13 years ago…
The love of my life and I suffered a bumpy beginning to our marriage. Not two weeks after we said “I do” Richie was diagnosed with stage 3 testicular cancer at 27. We plunged into months of fighting for his life. It felt surreal… like you couldn’t even believe what was happening. And it all happened so fast because of the severity of his condition. Cool fact though, he had Lance Armstrong’s doctor overseeing his treatment in Seattle. The best in the world, they told us!
After all of this, we had a lot of healing to do, but we always wanted babies. Even to the point of declining the advice of our very dear and wise pastor in premarital counseling. He advised we wait for several reasons. But I remember thinking–Who literally cares if people smirk if one came a few weeks too early?
In our slightly rebellious minds, if we were ready for marriage, we were ready for kids. To illustrate this point…before we knew each other, Richie took a parenting course my parents were teaching. (Not even a girlfriend on his horizon at the time, mind you.) My folks thought he was precious. So did I, eventually. 😆
9 months after the wedding, we figured we’d have our first. It was a big dream.
A hope deferred
After 6 months of cell-destroying but life-saving rounds of chemo and a 13 hour surgery to remove football-sized tumors from around his kidneys, we were just grateful God spared Richie’s life. Things didn’t look good for having a baby, however. Year after year we waited and hoped and prayed for some miracle. Four years, one failed IUI, and many nights crying myself to sleep later, my Mom discovered something exciting. (On a blog!)
“It’s called Snowflake Adoption. She said. It sounds incredible. Adoptive parents get to have all of the bonding experiences of pregnancy with their child. You guys should check it out.”
I can’t even explain the hope ignited in me in that moment. Until now, every family building option seemed unattainable. Although I’m so proud of my parents, sister, and brother in-law for fostering, I was terrified of that option for a plethora of reasons. They did it despite the heartache. But I knew myself. And I was not in any right mental or emotional position to handle it. The cost of adoption through an agency or overseas was prohibitive. It didn’t seem like God was providing any open doors for any other way for us.
Our first snowflake
Not long after this conversation with Mom, we hooked up with a clinic who had an anonymous donation and adoption program. Fully confident that this was God’s path to a child for us, we dove straight in. After a few months on a wait list, we were instructed to choose from several embryo profiles. These documents detailed basic genetic information of both biological parents. What an impossible choice. With no way around it, we chose one.
Not long afterwards, we signed and notarized the minimal paperwork to legally adopt this single embryo. Next step: check all the boxes to make sure I was in perfect health to prevent loss of our precious embryo. That process wasn’t a ton of fun, but I was so excited for this chance that it didn’t matter. It’s amazing how the agony of infertility gave me such a strong sense of resolve.
What if God allowed this horrible thing to accomplish such incredible good through adoption?
Whatever it takes
Unless you’ve experienced childlessness, it is hard to imagine the lengths that a longing heart is willing to go to for a child. 1 out of 6 of us suffer from infertility, so I can’t help but wonder. What if God allowed this to prepare us for embryo adoption?
People who blink and a baby appears would likely never go through the stuff we go through to have these babies. And I am no exception. I identify as medium-high on the crunchy spectrum and needle-buried-in-red on the fear-of-needles and skeptical-of-modern-medicine scale. My cupboards are full of strange items like flax meal and Einkorn wheat berries. My child eats seaweed like candy, and we use toothpaste without fluoride. In medical settings, I like to pass out with seizure-like convulsions every time a phlebotomist gets near me (to their dismay.) But I would say again and again: It’s worth it. I wasn’t brave, just desperate. God can work with that, thankfully!
Hip, hip, hooray, it’s transfer day!
Transfer day came around, and we dreamed of who this baby might be. The embryologist mentioned something about our little embryo acting a bit sluggish upon thawing. They were not alarmed; so neither was I. This was our little miracle and clearly God was in this. He had brought us so far.
There is no way that what happened next was outside of God’s hands. We prayed and fasted without ceasing. Our family and church family organized a 5k to raise funds. This was the most prayed for embryo on the planet in 2016, I am sure of it. The clinic boasted a 60-70% survival rate. Losing this embryo was far from our minds. God’s got this. I knew.
All of my days are written in Your book
And He did. He says in his Word that every day of our lives is ordained by Him. (Psalm 139:16) Not even a sparrow drops to the ground without his notice. (Matthew 10:29-31) We could be sure He cared more for this little one than even we did.
After the embryo transfer was the dreaded 2 week wait. With one last involuntarily combative and partially unconscious blood draw, we discovered that God’s will for this little one was to take him home. We didn’t get to have him here in our arms as we’d dreamed. He was ours for such a very short time, and yet the love we had for him was infinite. I was crushed.
The loss of this embryo was shockingly hard to process and pitifully isolating. The concept of losing a tiny human, impossible to see with the naked eye is abstract. No one would get it. I thought. (It wasn’t true, so don’t you fall for that lie.) Sadly, when we started over and adopted another single embryo, my only thought was she probably won’t survive either. I didn’t want anyone to know or celebrate this time. It hurt too much.
Because of IVF, we had to recognize the humanity behind these embryos. We saw and knew what they could be, and that knowledge is distressing.
Knowledge that stings
IVF forced us to recognize the humanity of these embryos. We saw and knew what they could be. The idea that our human embryos sit in cold storage somewhere -just as dignified and further away from us than the grass-fed hamburger in my freezer- is unsettling. They deserve better and we know it. We bear a burden of knowledge that is unnatural, one that we were largely unprepared for. It was a grief I didn’t expect. I’m not saying it’s bad, I’m just saying it’s hard.
Especially now with Trump’s proposed affordable access to IVF. It is more important than ever before that scripture informs our decisions and that clinics give patients fully informed consent.
Studies say that most IVF patients do not return for their embryos. The reasons behind this are often complex and beyond their control.
Some biological parents describe the grief of having extra embryos they cannot gestate as nothing short of mental anguish. I can relate a little. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think about and pray for our adopted frozen embryos. I would be a BASKET CASE if I didn’t know they are safe in the Father’s hands!
Many IVF patients describe their feelings toward remaining embryos as equal to the attachment to their children. For some, the thought of parting with them is paralyzing. Some feel their only option is to destroy or store them indefinitely. The good news? Although embryo donation and adoption is a relatively new option, studies are beginning to show overwhelmingly positive results for all parties involved.
A lamp unto my feet
I’ll never forget the look on my 8-year-old’s face. She had just overheard a reel I was watching which promoted turning remaining embryos into jewelry “to keep them close.” The look of shock as she asked me to clarify what she was hearing. “They killed them?”
I stumbled to choke out something along these lines: “When we don’t read our Bible, it is hard to know right from wrong.” (Hebrews 4:12)
Especially in a highly emotional state of mind and with often misleading information from the fertility industry.
Now that I’ve seen through the eyes of a child who was once just as vulnerable, I say without a doubt, adoption is the ethical choice.
This is WAR
Clearly, not all embryos survive because of the sin and death-scarred world we live in. Although I fully believe God to be provident over their lives, I also believe that the loss of their lives is directly the result of the enemy of our souls doing what he does best—killing, stealing, and destroying. It is spiritual warfare, and it isn’t ok. We don’t have to pretend like it’s just a natural and acceptable part of life. And that’s why we ALL need to pray. God is doing something amazing with embryo adoption, and I’m sure Satan is shaking in his “baby seal leather boots.”
We don’t have to pretend that death and suffering is ok. Our God of love and light abhors death, because it goes against His very nature. He weeps with us in our loss.
No fear in love
I can attest to the fact that embryo loss hurts. It hurts for so many reasons. You may feel guilt over wondering what you did wrong, or wish you had or hadn’t done this or that. (Don’t go there, sister.) The truth is, as adoptive parents, you and I have 0 control over the lives of our embryo babies. We carry the burden of knowing who they might be because we signed up for this beautiful chance. And it’s hard sometimes.
If you are a sister who has experienced the loss of your embryos for any reason, please hear this: Jesus weeps. (John 11:1-37) And He is closer to you now than at any other time in your life. (Psalm 34:18) No matter your circumstances and who is there to comfort your heart, He will hold you. (Psalm 139:8-10) (Psalm 56:8) And like a shepherd He will lead you beside the still waters your soul craves. (Psalm 23:2)
Speak truth to your heart
I know you feel this too; it is a beautiful, crazy, difficult, road. But what an honor and privilege to surrender ourselves to the will of a good, good Father. He knows what it’s like to lose a Son. He walks with us, so we cling to hope. He sacrificed His own Son so that we have a sure hope of a day with no death or suffering. For now, we will continue to humbly serve the Lord with our bodies in whatever way He allows. (1 Peter 4:1-2) And perfect love will cast out fear. (1 John 4:18.)
“Is not the sky enough for the bird, and the ocean enough for the fish? He who is sufficient for earth and heaven is certainly able to meet the case of one poor worm like me. Let us, then, fall back upon our God and his grace. If he does not remove our grief, He will enable us to bear it.”
Charles Spurgeon
I know from experience that when we turn our eyes upon Jesus, the pain of our loss will grow bearable over time. Not erased, for sure, but bearable.
If you’ve experienced the loss of a little one of any stage, my heart hurts for you. I wish I could throw my arms around you and we’d have a good cry. If I can pray for you in this season, please reach out!
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